FAILURE

[A PASSING MOMENT]

don`t you hate it when things aren`t going your way & you feel like you`re a FAILURE?

yeh. i feel like that. i feel like that all the time, especially right now. this past week has been a pretty hard week on me & i still can`t get over blaming myself & putting myself down. it seems like i haven`t been able to do anything right. i can`t balance school. i can`t balance work. i can`t balance church. i can`t balance family. i can`t balance friends.

basically.. i`m a failure.

i can`t do anything right. i`m a terrible friend. a terrible person. & i suck at the things i do, or rather yet, can`t do. i`m always so arrogant & stuck up. i always feel as though i know what i`m doing & that i won`t mess up. i`m so ignorant.

the funny thing is.. i`m the one to blame for all the things that has happened to me this past week.

this entire week was like a continuous cycle of put downs & failings. just when i thought that things couldn`t possibly get any worst, it gets worst the next day & the days after that. i haven`t felt this way since the 8th grade. i want to give up on everything that i`m doing because i feel as though i can`t do anything right anymore & nothing is going my way either. i just feels as if my whole life is coming apart & unraveling. it wasn`t until Saturday that i was finally fed up. i was ready to give up. i was ready to give up everything, quit my jobs & quit everything i was doing.. but as i was thinking about quitting, i was also on my way to fellowship. the entire time i was at fellowship, it wasn`t until singspiration, when we were singing our songs did i realize how pathetic i was. how stupid i was. i was almost on the verge of tears because i couldn`t handle my life. with starbucks coffee in one hand & the hot coffee sliding down my throat, i was trying to comfort myself, but it didn`t work. of course, when Kurtis asked what was going on with all of us, i told my short story, but it didn`t make things better because i still felt lame & pathetic. nothing that night was going my way. even when i went to watch a movie with Linda, Kathy, & Eric, i was still distracted.

it`s so funny because i didn`t realize what was going on until Linda, Kathy & i went to eat dinner before the movie. i realized that my prayers were finally being answered. God had heard my prayers & He was answering them. i got everything i asked for in my prayer...

my prayer was for God to break me & remake me. i wanted Him to take me apart & put me back into Him. i prayed this prayer before because i was lost in my spiritual life. i had lost my way & i couldn`t find my way back to God.. instead, i wandered into another road & did things my own way. i lost sight of God`s plan for me & decided to be the author in this story.. i became ignorant, arrogant, prideful, & selfish. i had lost myself & i couldn`t find my way back so i prayed & ask God to take me back. i wanted Him to break away all the things that made me so ugly help me humble myself back to Him & His plans for me.

yeh.. that`s what i realized this weekend. i`m failure, but God uses my failures & turns them into successes.. although i can`t see the successes yet, i don`t think i`m going to give up yet. i`m not ready & i don`t think that`s what God would want me to do. no matter how terrible things get.. no matter how stupid & worthless i am, i`ll try not to give up. i won`t give up, not when there`s someone who still hears me & cares for me. someone who is going to be there to continue to push me & answer my prayers & cries.


[...]

failure & disappointment is always a part of my life & i don`t think i can get rid of it. even if you disappoint me, it`s not your fault, it`s mine. even if you hurt me, it`s not your fault, it`s mine. & even if you don`t see me for the way i am, it`s not your fault, it`s mine.




i`m going to start my week fresh :] so please pray for me.