IRONY

[A PASSING MOMENT]

"The irony is that when I fell so hard for you, you didn`t even stumble"

Have you ever had a moment when you felt like you did the stupidest thing & now you regret it? I did. I don`t know how long it`s been, but everyday I wonder why I ever did that. I never thought that I would be the person that I am now & I guess it partially has to do with what happened in the past. I am the person that I am now because I`ve made my fair share of bad mistakes. The thing I always wondered about was what would happen if I didn`t go through with what I did. Would I be feeling this way? It`s funny because I always thought that I was a tough cookie, but apparently, i`m not. I don`t know what`s going on right now. I feel like I should know since I`m learning from my past, but I still don`t know what to do. I wish that God could just tell me exactly what to do. Every moment I stop & think, I think about how I got into this situation. Why is my heart telling me one thing, but my brain is telling me something else? What is the right thing to do? I don`t like wishing & hoping because I know eventually I`ll be disappointed. I know enough from experience that hoping is not for me. Hope has always brought me disappointment & heartbreak and that`s not something I want anymore. Promises means nothing to me because they are something someone makes up to get your hopes up so that one day it might happen, but when it doesn`t happen, you get heartbroken. I`m not being pessimistic or anything, it`s just something I`ve experienced. But now, i`m stuck in this rut where I don`t know what to do or what`s going to happen. It`s not like I`ve ever always known for certain what to do, but in times like these I just feel like breaking down, crying & praying to God. The only promises I can take in are God`s because I know He loves me. I am reminded of that every time I look at my left wrist. He loves me more than I can ever imagine & because of that, I am grateful to Him. No matter where I go, I know I am not alone. Even though I feel like I don`t know what to do or where to go, I still have the comfort that God is always with me. Even when I couldn`t get over my heartbreaks or when I was completely lost, wandering the endless road of sadness, God was always there & is still always there. It was because of Him that I was able to get over my heartbreaks. I know that He will help me now too, but I wish I wasn`t stuck like this. I hate knowing that I might have to give something up to gain another & I don`t want to hurt or lose anyone. If only I can escape..If only I didn`t have to think about this. Why is it that ultimately, I will still get hurt? It`s funny because I just got over this & just when I thought I was finally going to be free & happier, I end up in this situation again, only to find that it was only the beginning of the storm. It definitely didn`t get easier, it got much more complicated. Now I`m torn & I don`t know what to do or how to feel about this. If only you didn`t cross my path..If only things continued to be invisible..If only I didn`t have to worry..If only things could be simple again. If only...


...I only wish for things to be simple, but that`s the irony.